Half of a heart, twice the fight


When I lost my fiance to an opioid overdose 12/3/17, half my heart died with him. With half of a heart, I now had twice the fight, I had to fight, not just for my recovery but I felt it was only right to become his voice, our voice and join the fight to reduce the devastation and stigma that come with addiction. I can choose to sit in silence while thousands more lose loved ones to addiction or I can choose to be a voice of recovery and give back to others still struggling, the gift that recovery has given to me, life. We are willing to do whatever it takes to get high, so why can't we do whatever it takes to get sober? Addiction is a brain disease and once you’re addicted to the drug the thought of not having it is scary, it was for me. Especially when life turned dark, the drugs were the only way , for me, to make it through. It doesn’t happen the same for everyone, getting sober, that is. Some are forced into sobriety due to jail time, some have spiritual awakenings, and some like me, have done treatment, accrued sober time, relapsed then something just clicks one day and you get sick of all the Ick and chasing a high you know you’ll never get again. You get fed up living in a world of lies, fake people who take you for granted and always having to look over your shoulder. Learning to deal with life on life’s terms is not an easy task to begin with, then have to do it sober? Ha!! That’s why in recovery we have a higher power, a power that is greater then ourselves and offers meetings, sponsors and people you can trust and count on when your thinking about using. Recovery offers safe places where I can go and be around people who are striving towards the same goals as I am. I have become an advocate in the war against opioids, helping to reduce the stigma by sharing our stories and hoping a piece of our story someday saves another addicts life. When my fiance died, my first thought was I need to get high I can’t deal with this pain. It hurt so bad. It just felt impossible some days. But NOTHING is impossible, the word itself says I'M~POSSIBLE. And with that thought, I’m~possible, and sober today. Sometimes you don’t know how strong you truly are until it’s the only choice you have. My recovery has taught me a lot about self reflection, and dealing with my emotions in ways that keep me sober, allowing my recovery to grow and strengthen despite the tragic loss I was going through. I had to fight no matter what because at the end of every day, I still have my son who needs his mom. And being a mom is the best feeling in the world. Without acceptance, willingness and want for change, I don’t have sobriety, recovery or the chance to be a good mom my son can count on. I may not be exactly where I want to be today, but I’m in a far, more grateful place compared to where I was when I was using, especially mentally. I cant take back the times in my past where I put getting high before son, before everything in my life. But I can't hold my past against me, neither should you. Through my recovery and higher power, I have learned about forgiveness, on myself and others. I have worked hard to change, from the inside out, learning how to let go of the shame, and heavy guilt I carried every day for years. I didn’t wake up one day with the plan of becoming an addict, destroying my life, in turn causing a great deal of pain to my son, my family and friends. I didn’t choose addiction but I AM CHOOSING RECOVERY!! The person I am today displays nothing of the person I was yesterday.

Last Updated: 07/05/2018